Episode 1: All the things you don't want to do, but should
I was married for ten years and had three children with my ex-husband. We have now been divorced for twelve years and married to other people for roughly ten. We have worked, sometimes well and sometimes not-so-well, to raise our children together. Two of our children are grown and we have two years with the last one until we no longer share custody or finances. We are not always perfect and we still disagree, so I am not saying anything here because I am an expert. I am just a survivor who has found a way to make the best of a challenging situation in order to make my children's lives better. And, none of this could be done without their father and our respective spouses who work hard to support and love our children.
In the meantime, I have had many friends and family members ask me what to do when divorce looms in their lives. I know that it is really hard to listen to anyone when your world is crashing down around you, but there are some facts that you must know and some rules to follow if you want to survive the pain, upheaval, and suffering and find a way for you and your family to thrive.
WHEN THIS DOESN'T APPLY: If you are in a relationship that is physically or emotionally abusive, none of this applies. Get the hell out and get you and your children to safety. Do not read this anymore because you need to do something totally different.
You will not like anything that I am going to say, but it is true.
1. Divorce never stops hurting. If you have children, you will never be free from their other parent. They will be a part of your life as long as your children are. If you get along with them, if you can live in the same home peacefully, if you can agree on how to raise the children and your children are happy and you can be happy living in the same space as this person, I do not recommend getting a divorce. Divorce will haunt you for the rest of your life, and it will impact your children in such a powerful way. With that said, there are times that divorce is necessary and it is worth the price. I just want you to understand at the outset that it is a high price, and you will pay it for the rest of your life, as will your children.
2. It will get worse before it gets better. If you are on the cusp of divorce, it will seem like your life cannot get any worse. It can. And it will. During this time, you are in survival mode. You are simply following the steps and trying to do the next right thing (cue Frozen II's The Next Right Thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6g1yQV0dIY) to make it through to the next step. These are dark days. From the time we decided to divorce until the day I stood in a courtroom and listened to the judge declare my marriage legally over, it got worse. Every day was like a walk through the seventh circle of hell. I realize now that it is because during a divorce, you are disassembling your entire life. Every single thing you spent (for me) 10 years building is being undone. It hurts more than you realize it will until you are in the throes of the destruction. After my divorce was final, I went to Taco Bueno, ordered some tacos and sat down. I could breathe. I could breathe for the first time in a year. I ate tacos and realized that I could and would rebuild my life. A little louder for my friends in the back: I. Was. Free!
3. Get through it as fast as you can. Obviously, if you understand #2, this makes sense. My divorce took nine months. From the moment we told our children until I had a copy of the divorce decree in my hand, it took nine months. I didn't realize what a blessing this was, but after seeing people I love spend two or more years divorcing, I see it for what it was.
SUPER IMPORTANT: The moment you decide to get a divorce, file for legal separation. Immediately. There is no down-side to doing this, but a million upsides. Do this first!
Do not slow down. Your heart is going to break no matter how fast or slow you go, so it makes sense that the faster you work through it, the faster you will get out. And here, I simply must cue up Rodney Atkins' If You're Going Through Hell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l50L4GYhpLc because this song speaks to what you need to do, and you can sing it to yourself when you need that motivation not to give up. Do NOT bog down in the steps. Each one hurts, some more than others, but you are going to hurt anyways, so you might as well make progress while you do.
4. Choose your battles wisely. When I walked into my attorney's office, she asked me, "What is your non-negotiable?" For me, it was custody of my children. Nothing else mattered. My ex was an over the road truck driver, so I don't know why I was so worried about what was inevitably going to happen, but this was it. "I will not give up my children." Everything else can be compromised. And it was.
Choose your one non-negotiable. Put all of your energy into it. Don't worry about every single thing because your brain is not working correctly- remember that you are in survival mode.
Comments
Post a Comment